My Anger Supernova

LETTING IT OUT Otherwise, you'd be consumed by it 

DISAGREEMENTS HAPPEN ALMOST EVERY DAY. No matter how careful you are in dealing with people, you may stumble upon a row that might consume your precious time to waste. Oftentimes you’re not aware of it until you have fought your way through that mess, and you end up feeling sorry for yourself or experiencing some guilt as a result of indulging in it more than was necessary. Such a predicament it was. 

I’m not exempted from that incongruity, of course. I’m guilty on so many levels when it comes to handling disagreements. There were times I couldn’t contain my arguments trying to explain my way through it, otherwise, I’d be an accessory to that problematic episode, as is always the case, especially in our culture. The more you shut your mouth, the less likely they would treat you as innocent.

You may be having your fair share of enemies out there, and your disagreements with them stem way back when you were still friends. Somewhere along the way, a misunderstanding had stepped into that friendship and that the confusion surrounding your verbal toss-up suddenly went overboard this time with other parties involved and the next thing you knew you’re not in control of the situation anymore. 

Needless to say, that creates a lot of stress in the ensuing days. You begin to feel adamant with your reaction, even if you notice you’re a bit on the defensive. But still, you fight your way through it, thinking that the stress would die down eventually as soon as you make that unnerving point, regardless if it's disconcerting or potentially abusive to the other party. Unfortunately, many of us would have to live with that. 

Anger is so hard to contain because it often involves someone close to you. It disturbs your mind in a way that would sink your heart. You cannot believe the disagreement you just had since you did not expect to hear those words, in the first place, or witness that deplorable act right in front of you. So, you shout at them, you argue, you cut them to pieces, you do things you’re not supposed to do, and you’re more concerned about saving yourself than listening to what your detractor has to say over an issue. But that’s normal. I would have done the same thing under duress. That makes anger, that makes these disagreements, nonetheless, a tough act to suppress.

But how do you contain a fire from burning? Or better yet, what do you need to do to stay away from that potential mess? I’m no expert on conflict resolutions or easing out tensions involving two warring forces, but there are ways where you could contain impending chaos from blowing it up. Although some of us would rather argue with someone else instead of resolving it, the following ways might still be of help anyway, that is, if you’re circumspect enough to meet halfway with that problem, and burying the hatchet in the process.     

GENTLY, WILL YOU? So I can understand

Speak Softly Love

I HAVE TOUCHED A BIT on some cultural thing earlier. It is always my argument that in our way of life, including those nationals working and living outside of the country, preserving that peculiar amor propio (self-esteem) is still very much a part of our cultural fabric, which is quite palpable with the way we communicate with each other. It is not so much what you say that matters, but how you say it that makes our world go round.

This is where our anger lends its adorable firstborn. The problem may be petty, it may not be a problem at all, but because it was delivered discordant, it went out of proportion, and everyone, to no fault of their own, is pissed off on a particularly trivial thing. And for days you harbor an intense drive to put your enemy at bay, not giving that person any rest, only to find out that there was no malice at all when those words came out. Maybe we should blame that person’s professor for not emphasizing the importance of pronunciation or intonation for that matter when uttering those words. 

A lot of wasted time is committed out of a mere mishap when delivering an explanation. The other person’s amor propio might be triggered in the wrong way when you’re not careful with your words. Not unlike with Caucasians, where you could go straight to the point without actually impaling their emotions. You can’t do that here. You have to choose your words carefully so as not to cause any unnecessary harm to their feelings and at times on their well-being. 

They say that attitude is all. That also applies well when explaining your side of the story. While it is true that that’s easier said than done when you’re in the thick of your arguments, you might want to tone it down a bit and not rush everything up. Again, this may well be my weakness when doing a rebuttal on another person, but at least I am always reminded of it. 

YOU CAN BE KIND And call it music 

You Talking to Me?

I DON'T USUALLY LISTEN WHEN someone is explaining a point. That is always a problem. And I’m quite sure many among us are guilty of it. Besides, why would you listen to them? You know full well you have your point also, and that’s all that matters under the circumstance. But that is quite brave up to a certain point until you find out later that you are already consumed with that hell inside you. 

Listening is a dying art these days. If you’re still not aware of it, try listening to a few of our contemporary songs lately and you’ll be amazed at how low the debasement had been. People are listening to the wrong type of music for so long now. And they argue nevertheless that what they are listening are songs that would stand the test of time. There lies the problem. 

The argument over preferences in music is indicative of the way we deal when arguing with someone else. Maybe if we listen more instead of hearing it, we might be able to determine which among these songs would give us more satisfaction, more fun even. In the same way that when we argue with a friend or maybe a girlfriend or a wife, there’s that unsatisfactory thing going on under the sheets even if you attempt to cut the other party short because you find it hard to listen to their innuendos. 

I know you’re mad at him for being careless, or you’re mad at her because she’s more beautiful than you could ever imagine it on yourself. Inconsequential as it may seem, but if you could only listen more when arguing with someone else, maybe there are fewer damages on the fly, and you’d be friends still, instead of evading from each other, while throwing some shades on it with no end in sight. 

Nobody’s smooth enough in an argument. Even shrinks have their own biases when couples argue in front of them, trying to sort out a potential break up. Nobody gets out in an argument alive. The ways I haphazardly presented may not be an option to some people, it may not be practical at all on a severed relationship, I’m simply doing an arbitrary act to prevent that so-called civil war from happening. 

“Of the spoken word, you are the slave; of the unspoken word, you are the master.” That may have been the mantra all along on this scuffle. Many friendships had long since died because a few of its players couldn’t brittle their tongues, causing more strain into the relationship. They don’t necessarily want to listen because that would all the more expose their jadedness and immaturity. It is much easier to spill out than to spell out the cause of such a problem. Sometimes we’re behaving like a kid caught with his hand in a cookie jar. It would have been less of an infraction if it goes with a smile. But there was none.    

There’s nothing like delivering your arguments with a cool head, that is, after listening to the person across you shelling out his arguments. Perhaps it might be of help if you can deal with it the way reporters interview a potentially belligerent interviewee, setting aside your opinions and let the issue reveal itself straight from the horse’s mouth. That way, you’ll be able to resolve the issue in no time, aware of your words, and sympathetic to the feelings of others.     

THE MORE YOU SHUT YOUR MOUTH The less likely they would treat you as innocent

       

Photos: Dahlman, Greater Good Science, Metiza, The Bully Shield